Getting a little better, why not? Let people take pictures of you in the mangroves. It's ok.
Sometimes I think I'm getting better, even though I'm only on my third week of travel. I've let go of a lot in the past month. I accept the loss of my job and the decision to let go of my apartment and put all of my belongs in a 100 sq ft storage unit. I've created a new reality for myself. At the same time, I think it is really premature to say that after only two weeks of traveling, that I've gotten significantly better. What I can say definitively is that I feel some layers of the onion sort of peeling away and I also am getting a much better sense at what elements of my personality are just really what they are: me.
Negative stuff warning
Let's get the negative stuff out of the way. I'm not proud that sometimes I get angry at people. The hostel situation provides loads of opportunities to get angry at perfectly innocent strangers. I italicize the word "innocent" because I'm not sure if people realize how rude and asshole-ish they are sometimes. For example, if someone is sleeping in the room, do you start pushing furniture out of the way, even if your intention is to access an electrical outlet? If pushing the furniture makes a lot of noise, try lifting it. Or, if you absolutely much have the furniture make the screeching noise across the floor, say you are sorry when you wake your roommate up. These behaviors sound normal to me. In my situation, I asked the roommates if everything was ok, in French, because I heard them speaking Spanish at full volume (with my ear plugs in and my eye cover on). They just stared at me. So I repeated myself, in French. I refused to speak English. They were going to think I'm an asshole Frenchman and not an asshole American, for sure. They never really responded. They just kept staring at me. I never got my apology.
This made me hate them permanently. I now put these roommates in a category of obnoxious travelers who don't give a shit about their roommates. Two dudes traveling together with their Go Pros and professional cameras who care more about their equipment than their roommates. To an extent, I cannot blame them. You need your electronics charged for the next day! I think the apology would have satisfied my need to feel like I exist. I wanted them to acknowledge that they woke me up and I wanted to see them cringe or feel embarrassed a little. I wanted them to learn a lesson that their actions have consequences. I didn't want to hurt them or be violent, but I did want them to feel badly for waking me up.
This happened my second time in Valladolid, after returning from Isla Holbox. My first time in Valladolid, I met Tom and so many other super cool people at Hostel Candelaria. Lights were out at 11pm sharp. Most of my roommates were fast asleep by 10pm. I guess I thought that at Hostel Mama Cha, in the same city, I would encounter the same kind of people. I did not. The crowd was significantly less social and interesting. People were talking loudly way past 11pm. Then there is the situation I had with my roommates. Valladolid is the city where backpackers go to bed early so they can get the first collectivo to Chichen Itza in the morning. Hostel Mama Che is also next to a building that houses chickens, so they were coo-coo-ing at 3:30am. All of these things pissed me off. I guess that's the negative stuff. Things piss me off. If I don't get my apology, I hold a permanent grudge. I feel like I put so much of myself out there for strangers and offering apologies is part of being human. Others do not see it that way. For them, part of being a backpacker is that sometimes people wake you up. Maybe it is because he was traveling with his dude friend he thought he had more "power" and cared less? I'm tired of writing about this. I've analyzed this to death.
Positive Stuff
I cried on the bus when Katz's Deli came on the movie screen. They were showing a documentary about the history of sandwiches. I remembered how dad gave our leftovers to a bum on the street. In later years, I would learn from other friends who grew up in the region that this was part of every familiy's tradition. Giving away your Katz's Deli leftovers was one of the things that made our family a little more normal, actually. Who knew?
I emailed my ex-boss. I explained to him that minutes before I was fired, I was given a smiley face post-it note by our COO. I figured he should know that. It's a bit twisted.
The saddest part about losing the job was that I also lost my mentor. It's ok, I have others. I am going to begin a series of blog posts that are thank you letters to my mentors of the past and present. That's the big takeaway from all of this.